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Library Mall Being Turned Into Shopping Mall

Library Mall to be converted into a shopping mall.

Brian Klatt
March 31, 2016

With a variety of construction projects still going on in the heart of campus, it was determined that Library Mall be folded into the mix and be turned into a gleaming new shopping mall. “The cement trucks are here anyway,” said foreman Rocco Davis. “We figured, eh, what the heck. Let’s just enclose the sucker.”

So food carts will soon be a thing of the past — replaced by a spiffy food court, complete with an Orange Julius kiosk. But fans of ethnic cuisine need not worry. Rumor has it that a Sbarro and Panda Express will be among the offerings along with an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.

In addition to the dining scene changes, students, alumni, and community members can also look forward to shopping for the latest trends at stores like Chess King, Hot Topic, Spencer Gifts, and — appropriately for a college mall — Forever 21. The UW Book Store, too, will undergo a transformation and become a B. Dalton Bookseller. The Subway will, well, remain a Subway.

“This is exactly what campus has been missing,” said Maude Cooper, devoted mall-walker. “I can get my steps in and browse the racks at the Dress Barn at the same time.”

Wait, what? You believed this? C’mon, people … it’s April Fools Day!

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