Since 1909, President Abraham Lincoln has kept a vigilant eye over UW-Madison’s Bascom Hill, watching over students and volunteering as additional flamingo security during the annual Fill the Hill Fundraiser. But as the sun rose on another glorious day on campus today, the towering statue of Abe was nowhere to be found.
The clandestine heist left the campus community scrambling to determine how it happened. A note left at the scene reads:
You may have noticed that your beloved statue of President Lincoln seems to have got up and walked away. Rest assured it is in good hands and where it rightly belongs — in the LAND OF LINCOLN.
Don’t get us wrong, we understand why you’d erect a bronze behemoth to honor our 16th president. In 1862, Lincoln signed the Morrill Act, which helped fund the UW and other state universities. So we get it.
However, a Lincoln statue outside of Illinois cannot stand. We feel that “borrowing” our icon for five score and six years is quite long enough, thank you very much. You don’t see a larger-than-life sculpture of a block of cheese down in Urbana-Champaign, do you?
Hope you understand and apologies for any inconvenience (not really).
All the best (again, not really),
Founder, President, CEO, Managing Director
Bring Abe Home Association
P.S. Oh, and you’re probably wondering why then is the statue of Abe still standing at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. Frankly, that one is just too much of a pain to move; same with the tribute on Mount Rushmore. So thank you for making this one quite manageable. Moreover, Madison is such an easy drive for us — we didn’t even have to stop for gas.
P.P.S. We’re loving the new Bascolator, by the way.
UW-Madison issued an ominous statement in response:
“First of all, top hats off to these sly Illinoisans for planning and executing this operation. Abe devotees here at the UW can rest assured that this is not over.”
Before being lifted, the statue was a popular destination for new UW graduates, who would make the climb up to Abe’s lap for photos with the much-adored leader. Now with the cherished tradition over, soon-to-be alumni are desperately searching for a new photo backdrop.
When asked to respond to the insidious charge of ruining a favorite UW custom for new grads, Todd replied via email, “How about a selfie in front of the Humanities Building instead? I hear that’s a campus gem. LOL”
This is a developing story. Stay tuned for updates
UPDATE: An anonymous UW source has informed this writer that a plot is being hatched deep inside Bascom Hall to steal the Michael Jordan statue that currently sits outside the United Center in Chicago.
FURTHER UPDATE: In a brief moment of détente, UW-Madison and the Bring Abe Home Association wish all UW alumni (and all Abe lovers) a happy April Fools Day.