In a stunning display of bipartisanship, the United States government yesterday agreed to remove the long-standing gag order on mascots because, well, nobody could remember why it was put in place to begin with. To commemorate the historic moment, Philly Phanatic — the spokes-cot of the United Mascot Workers Local 257 — said in a statement, “It’s about ****ing time us mascots get to speak our minds. What a crock … having to keep our ****ing yaps shut all these years!”
This just in: we may have uncovered one of the reasons for the initial ban!
Locally, our own beloved mascot — the University of Wisconsin–Madison’s Bucky Badger — agreed to sit down to discuss his newfound freedom of expression. This intrepid reporter sat. Bucky cartwheeled, did headstands, and generally gesticulated wildly throughout the interview. Old habits.
Here is a brief excerpt from that interview because — wow! — can that guy talk.
Bucky Badger (BB): Greetings and salutations, my good sir. How, pray tell, may I be of service to you today?
Intrepid Reporter (IR): Well, first off, that’s not how I expected you to speak.
BB: Oh, you are droll!
IR: Um, I’m not sure you used that term correctly.
BB: It’s my lack of trousers, isn’t it?
IR: Wait, no! What?
BB: The way I talk. You assume that because I don’t wear slacks I’d speak a bit more … how shall I put this mildly? … lowbrow.
IR: I don’t know about that. It’s just that you’re so silly in public. I figured your voice would reflect your actions.
BB: Oh, dear boy, you are precious!
IR: Ah, okay …
BB: It’s acting, you adorable scamp! Once in character, always in character. That comes from another master thespian … my good, good friend the late Sir John Gielgud. Of course, he never had to perform hundreds of push-ups in front of 80,000 lively souls inside the hallowed walls of Camp Randall Stadium. But he did have to put up with that insufferable Dudley Moore while filming the movie Arthur. I’d say we’re even.
IR: Alrighty then … Ah, let’s see … Is there anything you’ve wanted to tell your fans over the years? Any pent-up words of wisdom?
BB: Oh, yes, thank you. There has been something bothering me for many a fortnight now. I want the public to know that although my bulbous cranium gives me an air of intellectual superiority, we’re not that different from one another. I attend squash matches just like everybody else; read Tolstoy like the next guy; and have a huge crush on Dame Judi Dench (also a close, dear, good friend) as we all do.
IR: I … really don’t know what to say after that.
BB: You are simply a delight! Never you mind. You just let me do the talking from here on out!
This has been an April Fools’ report from your friends at the Wisconsin Alumni Association!