That same old feeling
1.12.09
When this winter break started, it seemed like it would be a minor eternity until Sean went back to school. But now, with under a week to go, it’s hitting me — a less intense (but very real) version of what I felt in August when he left initially. And so I’ve shed a few tears. Just feeling emotional, I guess.
It’s not like I’m counting the days, but I wouldn’t have to count very high if I was. I’m just aware, in the middle (not even back) of my mind, that the time is approaching. Sunday, I suppose, we’ll pack up the van again and take him back.
Sean sees my sadness and gives me hugs, and he tries to make me feel better by reassuring me that he’ll still be here in Madison and will still keep in touch… but it will also still be true that he needs and deserves his independence just as much as he ever did.
I wonder, have I spent this winter-break time that we had together in the right way? I didn’t do all that much with Sean because I thought I was taking my cues from him, and trying to give him every opportunity to run his vacation as he wanted to, without interfering or setting demands. He seemed to want to do his own thing — sleep, dawdle on his computer, sleep some more, arrange music, read, go to the SERF now that it’s open again, sleep even more… His visits with friends dropped off eventually — he said he’s still feeling like he wants more relaxation and down time — but it seems that he still hasn’t gotten enough. (Maybe it was a rougher semester than I’d realized!) And now many of his friends have gone back to their respective schools, so he has that freedom once again.
I’m second-guessing myself and feeling sad — one more part of the learning journey that I’m on. I wish it were an easier one.
It’s not like I’m counting the days, but I wouldn’t have to count very high if I was. I’m just aware, in the middle (not even back) of my mind, that the time is approaching. Sunday, I suppose, we’ll pack up the van again and take him back.
Sean sees my sadness and gives me hugs, and he tries to make me feel better by reassuring me that he’ll still be here in Madison and will still keep in touch… but it will also still be true that he needs and deserves his independence just as much as he ever did.
I wonder, have I spent this winter-break time that we had together in the right way? I didn’t do all that much with Sean because I thought I was taking my cues from him, and trying to give him every opportunity to run his vacation as he wanted to, without interfering or setting demands. He seemed to want to do his own thing — sleep, dawdle on his computer, sleep some more, arrange music, read, go to the SERF now that it’s open again, sleep even more… His visits with friends dropped off eventually — he said he’s still feeling like he wants more relaxation and down time — but it seems that he still hasn’t gotten enough. (Maybe it was a rougher semester than I’d realized!) And now many of his friends have gone back to their respective schools, so he has that freedom once again.
I’m second-guessing myself and feeling sad — one more part of the learning journey that I’m on. I wish it were an easier one.
