I think I know
4.6.09
This is going to strike you as completely and utterly obvious, but this withdrawal that I’ve been feeling, and this thing that I’ve been waiting for…? I think I know now what it’s been about: I think I just wish that life would return to what I know to be more or less normal: Alex not working at an out-of-state job, and Sean back home with us. I think I’m waiting for the time when we’ll be a foursome again.
But am I not just kidding myself, deluding myself into thinking that Sean will not leave again? Of course he will, but next time, I hope that I’ll be stronger and more used to his absence. This time — this year — I guess I just wasn’t ready for a kick in the teeth.
So what brought about my realization? In a nutshell: I haven’t heard from Sean in quite a while — or “quite a while,” at least, by his standards. Last night, though, Claire had a Facebook message from him saying he’s working freakishly hard; he’s lonely because of the isolation that hard work often requires; and he misses us… but I (as in Mom) should not worry. I wasn’t worried, but it brought up the differing viewpoints that Alex and I have on the subject of independence and the fostering of it.
Alex is, as I’ve said before, made of tougher stuff than I am. Being raised in a more stern environment than I was, he believes that Sean needs to work through this loneliness, and that he will actually move through it more quickly if he doesn’t see us anytime soon. Being in Madison allows us to go hear his concerts and see his shows, and he can come home for the occasional weekend, but Alex fears that his proximity has made him more dependent on us than kids who are farther away and must necessarily wait longer in between their trips home.
I am made of much more marshmallowy stuff and don’t care about all of this tough-love stuff (or at least not today, I don’t). Hearing that Sean is lonely made me realize that I am, too. It made me realize how much I miss Sean, too, and how much I want to see him. It’s been a hard day because of it.
But, as it happens, we won’t be able to see him for a while because we’ll be going on a little trip this week during Claire’s spring break. The soonest we could do it would probably be almost two weeks from now.
Somehow in all of this irritation and sadness and introspection, I guess I realized that what I want — what I’ve been waiting for — is just to have my family back together. It’s a relief to have it figured out (obvious though it might have been), but sad to think that it can’t come to pass quite yet.
But am I not just kidding myself, deluding myself into thinking that Sean will not leave again? Of course he will, but next time, I hope that I’ll be stronger and more used to his absence. This time — this year — I guess I just wasn’t ready for a kick in the teeth.
So what brought about my realization? In a nutshell: I haven’t heard from Sean in quite a while — or “quite a while,” at least, by his standards. Last night, though, Claire had a Facebook message from him saying he’s working freakishly hard; he’s lonely because of the isolation that hard work often requires; and he misses us… but I (as in Mom) should not worry. I wasn’t worried, but it brought up the differing viewpoints that Alex and I have on the subject of independence and the fostering of it.
Alex is, as I’ve said before, made of tougher stuff than I am. Being raised in a more stern environment than I was, he believes that Sean needs to work through this loneliness, and that he will actually move through it more quickly if he doesn’t see us anytime soon. Being in Madison allows us to go hear his concerts and see his shows, and he can come home for the occasional weekend, but Alex fears that his proximity has made him more dependent on us than kids who are farther away and must necessarily wait longer in between their trips home.
I am made of much more marshmallowy stuff and don’t care about all of this tough-love stuff (or at least not today, I don’t). Hearing that Sean is lonely made me realize that I am, too. It made me realize how much I miss Sean, too, and how much I want to see him. It’s been a hard day because of it.
But, as it happens, we won’t be able to see him for a while because we’ll be going on a little trip this week during Claire’s spring break. The soonest we could do it would probably be almost two weeks from now.
Somehow in all of this irritation and sadness and introspection, I guess I realized that what I want — what I’ve been waiting for — is just to have my family back together. It’s a relief to have it figured out (obvious though it might have been), but sad to think that it can’t come to pass quite yet.
